A note on stress

When Little Miss M’s anxiety levels are particularly high she becomes very demanding and intense. She’ll want my constant attention whether it be by playing her games or watching her do something, she’ll need to be in constant contact with me, either holding hands, sat extremely close, her leg across my lap etc. or calling out to me constantly to do something or to come when I move to another room. She’ll need everything done for her and will constantly ask for things in a particularly demanding way.

She does some of these things in moderation most days as anxiety fluctuates but when they are particularly obvious and intense, I know it’s a sign that her anxiety and stress levels are very high and she’s in survival mode and only has enough executive function and energy to express her needs in this way.

During these times my stress levels increase too, my patience is stretched and it’s exhausting. The lack of personal space is difficult as well. It’s hard to stay calm when all this builds up inside so I try and express how I feel wherever possible. Saying it out loud or writing it down is good, sharing it with others is even better and respecting my natural feelings to the intense pressure I’m under is so important. It’s only natural to feel stressed under intense pressure after all and acknowledging that and giving myself a break for feeling it helps me to more easily express it, which allows my stress to reduce so I am in a better state of mind and can continue to support Little Miss M to deal with her own natural feelings to her own intense pressure so she too can reach a better state of mind.

You see, she’s only doing what comes naturally to her very specific make-up, just like I am. Her feelings might display differently to mine and not in conventional ways and may be triggered more often than mine and by less obvious pressures but they are no less real and deserve the same respect and compassion mine or anyone else’s do.

I value my moments of stress because they give me a glimpse into how Little Miss M feels and help me appreciate how difficult things can be for her when conditions aren’t just right for her needs.

The stress caused by the pressure to be constantly available for her during this time and the lack of personal freedom I feel, must come close to the pressure she feels from everyday things which are out of her control.

I see life through her eyes for a moment and this inside knowledge serves us both well. She’s better understood which leads to more compassionate support for her and I apply the compassion I have for her to myself, ensuring my own feelings are honoured and respected, making everything easier to deal with.

There’s lots of other ways to combat stress but, for me, this mind-set is the most beneficial. Living with PDA can be challenging and stressful for both parent and child but acknowledging and respecting these natural feelings and being able to express and share them with compassionate support enables us to push past the resistance stress can cause in the moment and¬†using my own experiences of stress to see my child’s perspective keeps the compassion flowing for her and for myself.

 

 

 

 

A new strategy we’re using to distract from anxiety and feel in control

I came across this problem solving idea via GoZen: Anxiety Relief for Children last week and thought carefully about how to introduce it to Little Miss M as a tool to help her with any difficulties or ‘problems’ as she calls them. Being mindful of demand avoidance, I decided to mention in passing that I’d seen a cool way our fingers can help us with problems and she really engaged with it.

We drew around a hand each and set to work thinking of our biggest problem solving strengths (I explained this to her as things we’re really good at which can help us with problems). In true Little Miss M style she made it her own by adding finger nails to the hand and drawing pictures to represent her strengths until she got to her thumb, then she wrote the word (kind, spelt cind). I wrote my strengths down too.

This is what she came up with

Finger Strengths
From little finger to thumb:

Imaginative
Good ideas
Being active
Creativity (with her drawings)
Kindness

It was a wonderful insight into the strengths she sees in herself and she was delighted with herself for writing the word cind which gave me a lot of joy to see as did her awareness of the things which help her when faced with problems. 

I explained that whenever we have a problem or difficulty with something we can choose one of our finger strengths to help us solve it. She came up with this little saying which happens to have 5 words too (one for each finger) “choose a finger to help” and enjoyed chanting it while moving her fingers along with the words. She really loves it when she can link numbers to things.

Since then, there have been a few times where choosing a finger strength has been really helpful. Here are a couple of examples:

The first time we used it, she wanted to watch a particular set of adverts she remembered being on a DVD but didn’t know which DVD they were on. She started to panic at this uncertainty, overwhelmed by the fear of not knowing. I started wiggling my fingers and said “I wonder which finger strength could help with this problem” and repeated her chant. This distracted her from the panic and made her smile. She named each of the strengths but couldn’t decide which would help so I suggested maybe the ‘good ideas’ finger might help this time and she said “I know! I could try all the DVDs until I find it”. “What a good idea” I said and as we tried each DVD she was much more calm and in control of the situation. It took a few tries to find the right one but each time it wasn’t the right one she remained calm and focused on trying the next one. Usually, if I’d come up with the solution, she would have panicked more with each failed attempt. This strategy really did give her the feeling of control.

We next used it a couple of days later when she was finding it particularly difficult to go to bed. It was approaching 11pm and demand avoidance was in full swing. She not only didn’t want to go to bed, but didn’t want me to go either. I explained to her that I was very tired and really needed to go to bed soon and asked if one of her fingers could help solve this. She was keen to use a finger but didn’t know which one could help so I ran through them all in a silly and expressive way and together we eliminated the ones which wouldn’t help and were left with ‘good ideas’ and ‘kindness’. She then said “I know! Seeing as you are so tired, I’ll be kind and let you go to bed now while I finish what I’m doing and then I’ll come up”. “That’s very kind” I said. She joined me upstairs about 10 minutes later.

As with any strategy, I’m careful not to over use it because the likelihood for success will reduce if it’s used too often and only use it for Little Miss M’s benefit (when she is distressed or panicked by something, when she wants to achieve something but is struggling or with necessary demands).

So far though, this new strategy seems to help distract Little Miss M from her anxiety and gives her a feeling of control over a difficulty or demand and I love that it’s so simple and the approach used can easily be adapted and tailored to suit each child.